Depression #18: Jerking All the Way

If you happened to bump into me, you will find me shaking, jerking or suddenly having a twitch. It has been like that for days.

I’ve been hiding at home because of this but yesterday I think I know what God wants to teach me. I was in a shopping mall, trying to choose bedsheet for the new bed with the help of my sister. My parents were just accompanying me too.

I had troubling explaining finding tack-it from the bookstore after that. I went circulating the stationery area twice but couldn’t find it. The me before would probably circulate another 3 rounds to find it. I am the kind of person who finds it hard to ask for help because I would want to do it on my own. I finally mustered up courage to ask the worker, describing it in the best way I can – plasticine-like, doesn’t peel off paint from the wall, used to stick stuff. I finally found it and I held the item so dearly as though I found treasure.

What God wants me to know is not to care of how others would think of me and how others would judge me. I sometimes have no control over the shaking and jerking so I let it be and still went about doing the things I wanted to do, even in public.

What God also wants me to know that it’s ok to be lost and to open my mouth to ask, no matter how silly the question is.

What God wants me to do is share my thoughts, fear, worries to people close to me so that I don’t get jammed up inside.

What God wants me to know is it’s ok to let others help me and it’s ok to rely on them.

As what I told my mum, God is grinding and moulding me. I don’t know what else he wants to teach me but I’m trying everyday to cope and to get back to being Grace again.

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