Depression #26: Fast Forward to the Future

I used to worry that I’ll not become a good mum or how to become one. I know…it sounds ridiculous, especially when I’m not even at step 1 of becoming one but these were my thoughts before, especially when I see a kid with his/her mum or when I see mums handling their kids. I will wonder what it’ll be like and how do I cope with it especially when I couldn’t even handle myself. That was one of the many thoughts and worries I had when I had my major depression last year.

I’m also afraid of handling babies because I do not know how. Seeing others carrying babies so naturally makes me wonder why I can’t do so like them. I rather not hold or handle them just in case I fail. I had a bad experience once but I’ve already forgiven myself for that.

I used to have so many thoughts and worries about the future that they jammed up the system in me. Sometimes I still have these fleeting thoughts and worries now but I’ll just let them pass my mind and go away. I don’t dwell on it too much or put too much deep thought on it. I will deal with it when it comes and not worry about it because for all we know, our worries may not become a reality.

I thank God for the guidance I have so far. I’m grateful for the ability to focus, plan, see a bit to the future but not too much till it stresses me out, the ability to feel joy, the ability to relax when I’m tired. I think yoga has helped to calm me down and give me the inner peace I’ve longed for.

I had been practising sun salutation – a series of 12 yoga poses, for the past few days. I’m not able to attend yoga classes now that I’m back in Sandakan so this is the best that I could do. I hope to maintain this to help strengthen the mind, body and spirit.

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