Exhausted

Dear Ducky,

It is an exhaustive day. If you’d like to experience what it’s like being trapped inside an exhaust pipe, please squeeze yourself through this post.

The life changing experience was somewhat a bit heavy for me to digest. I went from being very happy about it. So happy about it that I know if I didn’t own it, I’d cry so very badly. I’ve never felt like I wanted something so badly before so I know what it means to me. And it would it’s disaster if I didn’t get it. It’s like when you see it, you know it’s the one.

I’m glad that it is within reach now. In my hands now I would say…and it’s up to me to make it a very good experience for myself. It’s something I’ve been wanting to do that I don’t know if it’s going to last very long or I might get tired of it one day. But judging by the years I’ve been loving it, I think the passion is here to stay. It’s just one of things listed that I must do it once in my life else I will die regretting why I’ve never put in any effort to realise it. That itself is enough to explain, why it is something I want so badly.

I’m sorry I’d have to write in such ambiguous way. It’s just not convenient to reveal the truth here.

I have been living on bread for the past few days, I mean for my main meals and I know I will end it by the end of this week. Enough of torturing my body. Someone commented that I looked very different now and before. Particularly so today as she was saying my dark circles are super dark, my eye bags are so baggy (to me, they look like balloons now), my facial skin is without glow and shine. I agree with what she said. I didn’t need a mirror to know. I could feel it. My body has grown very heaty and weak and I’ve been getting this very annoying little coughs that likes to visit me in enclosed air-conditioned room.

I didn’t had a choice or so I think but I just don’t want to live like that anymore. Enough is enough.

I also had an emotional breakdown while talking on the phone because I was in a dilemma..was trying to hold back the tears. Looking back now, I didn’t know why the hell I had that short emotional breakdown. Sometimes I scare myself. You know like suddenly the light go fused? But after you get the fuse changed, it lights again. I’m that light. Once fused ar…will be very pathetic but once I get over that fusing period (which requires a few hours), I would be determined and clear on what I need to do.

The next thing on my to-do-list i’s not going to be easy but that’s the action I’ll need to take. I sat down and contemplate about my emotional being in the day and I can only conclude that I’ve always wanting things to end well and when I have something that comes along the way and hinder me to ending things well, I feel that I’m a bad person. I care too much when maybe others don’t even give a damn on it. I’m just a worrier. I can think of so many unnecessary things, I amuse myself when I look back at it.

Anyway, there are paths that you need to take to get over to the other side. The bridge came very early than expected. It came so fast, I’m actually still trying to absorb the fact that it has happened.

Love,
Grace

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