Inadequacy

Dear Ducky,

I’ve been telling the world that I’m going to my friend’s hometown this Saturday but you know what? It’s not this Saturday, it’s the following Saturday. And because I’ve been thinking it’s this Saturday, I canceled an appointment to attend a workshop. That’s not the only problem. The following Saturday I have a dental appointment so you see everything is jumbled up and I just know how uncomfortable I really am during the period when I decided I wanted to do something else, to the time I got an offer, to the time I started a new job, and now learning as much as I can and at the same time trying to fit in and grab someone that I can talk with. I can tell you it’s stressful. So my otak is a bit tak betul now.

I really don’t feel comfortable at all and I keep telling myself everyday that this is a normal process and a normal feeling to feel. I’ve started to let go off the “tikus-ness” in me. I don’t want to try too hard because in the end, it doesn’t really help, it only stresses me out. I don’t like the feeling of being inadequate. You feel that way in every new job you do because no matter how skillful you are, there is always something that you got to adjust to suit the environment. Furthermore, I’m not really that skillful lor. I feel very bodoh actually now. It will take some time to really build up myself here.

I’m hope the “Dear Ducky” series will end soon then I can write some other stuff than to write about my worries and insecurities day in day out. And in order to overcome that, I’d have to write my worries away until it’s gone.

I’m really glad Monday is a public holiday. I’m just gonna sit back and relax. Holidays are like precious gems to me now.

Love,
Grace