This is my 2nd week that I’m cleaning the house without feeling angry. I used to feel that it’s a burden. Yes, I would clean but I will always hold a grudge. Sometimes I blame myself for not allocating time to clean the house, which is why it gets harder and longer to clean when the dirt accumulates even more. Sometimes I get angry with my sister. I don’t yell or tell her off or even ask her to clean. I get angry inside with myself and so the anger is not known. I wished that she would understand that we share responsibilities with the house, including cleaning it. My mum has said it. I have said it too so even after all that and nothing changes, I’ve decided not to be angry or expect anything. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t hate my sister. I’m just trying to understand why things are the way they are.
Today I woke up and with nothing particular that I plan to do. Then, I just thought of cleaning the house and I did. And I enjoyed it and what makes me happy is that I get faster at doing it. And I think it’ll be fast or faster the next time I do it, once I get used to it, once it becomes a natural thing for me to do.
Cleaning the house is my sole responsibility now. Putting the clothes to wash, folding them, watering the plants. I’ll do everything to make this house a little cleaner and tidier as I progress. The one thing I won’t do is to help my sister to iron her clothes. I will iron only mine because I do not want her to think that I’m her servant. And I know once she runs out of clothes to wear, she would definitely hit the ironing board. I cannot stand walking on a dirty floor but I’m still ok with seeing a pile of clothes in the clothes basket.
And I can understand why my mum gets angry most of the time when she cleans the house when she’s here. It’s the same anger I feel when I expect someone to help me. I know why she gets mad when none of us observe how she cooks. She wants us to learn how she cooks and learn her recipes, that’s why. But what really keeps me from wanting to learn before is because she’s always angry, or that I’ll get scolded whenever I do something in the kitchen that she is not pleased with just because I’m not following her way, even though my way isn’t a wrong thing to do. Now that I’m feeling and know what she’s been feeling, I think I can accept the scoldings if that what’s makes her happy. I think it isn’t really that she wants to scold. Her intentions are good but she is just not patient enough to actually tell me things in a nicer and softer tone. That’s fine with me now that I’m beginning to see the whole picture.
See…I’m happy that I have this “suddenly-it-dawned-upon-me” feeling today. I love that I vacuumed and mopped the floor with a really light heart. It was just so nice. Even nicer when I was done and I found myself gliding on the floor with my very light feet.