No Bali, Drink Barley

It has been an “eventful” week.

I got a flat tyre just two days ago.

Yesterday, he told me the Bali trip will have to be postponed, which was such a fantastic piece of news, I exploded. I’ve booked the air tickets, 3 months ago, booked the hotel, booked the spa, and planned of places that I’ll be visiting..and this is what I get.

He was saying he just changed to a new job and he couldn’t take leave and he can only take leave in June…and that itself, it’s not confirmed. The purpose of me going to Bali because I won a 3D2N Complimentary hotel stay and it’s not going to be valid until June.

Words just cannot describe how I feel. Before even booking the air ticket, I double checked with him if the dates are okay. A few weeks before this, I reminded him to check if his passport is still valid and reminded him about the trip. It was all OKAY…until yesterday.

And in a sudden burst of anger, I actually told him I’m going with another guy, even though I wasn’t. And the reply which I expected to come from him, came out exactly as I thought. He said GO AHEAD. Of course, he was angry. And when he told me that, I was at work. And I had to disguise like nothing is happening. Can’t be crying on my desk. Went to the toilet and tried SO VERY HARD not to let that tear drip. Came out from the toilet but it was still lingering in my eyes and I forced myself not to cry.

I would appreciate very much if you do not ask me about the details or what I’m going to do about this Bali trip, not because I do not like to talk to you but I’m tired of explaining and by asking me why, you remind me of the pain and disappointment which I wish to bury. But should you choose to mention about it because you think you care about me so much, I will choose to ignore you.

I’m pissed. Yes.

Very.

Pissed.

Sometimes I ask myself I should be angry with him who’s busy working and focusing on his career. I’m not the kind who would demand or force someone to quit from a job that he likes to tailor specifically to my needs. I would just you know leave you if I think I cannot accommodate anymore. It’s getting so hard that I’m sad to a point where it begins to numb the heart. But maybe it’s good that way, because by then, it won’t know it hurts anymore.

My current and past relationships have never been smooth-going. I do wonder and ask how many cycles of heartbreak that I would need to go through before I could actually settle down. All these heartbreaks somehow turned me into a different person, it seems so impossible to become the person I would like be. I don’t trust easily anymore. I worry more than usual. I don’t even feel like loving.

I had to wait till Mum is asleep before writing this so that she wouldn’t see me cry. She has been giving me a mountainful of pressure too about this whole relationship thingy. Taking that pressure itself is just as tough. Understand why she’s acting the way she is. She’s worried about me. She wants someone to take care of me so that she feels better. But sometimes I wish she could actually understand how I feel too. She has never been fond of any of my boyfriends which is why I also think it’s impossible for me to be with someone who fulfil all her requirements. And as always, I go against her, which isn’t helping much really…

Talking about the flat tyre, I didn’t even felt like calling the boyfriend to tell him about it…or asking him to ask for help. I just decided to take things to my own hands and solve it on my own. I only messaged him after that to tell him, I’VE GOT A FLAT TYRE BUT I’VE SOLVED IT.” Understand what I’m talking about? I’m no longer the same person I used to be.

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