Not ok

I’m not ok tonight. Feels like something is choking the heart. I think this is due to the busy week that I had. I’ve not really had a break. When the schedule shifted to an end today, I felt lost.

I stayed back at work even though I knew I could go back to have some rest. It’s a scary thing when you know you just want work to occupy your time because you’ve got nowhere to go, no one to spend time with you and you absorb yourself in work, hoping it’ll bring you somewhere, but it brings me nowhere. In fact, I feel miserable.

For the past week, I’ve seen the beautiful and the ugly. People that has a heart and people who are just so realistic that it disappoints me.

So you see I have had people driving me up the wall and I’ve also had someone who is so nice, it felt like I’ve not been treated in such a way for a very long time. It’s so heart-warming to be in the presence of kind people. People who are just plain nice and not pretending to be nice.

There are things that I can’t write here but I want to remember them.

I was getting ready to sleep after aimlessly spending my time on the Internet, wanting to fix my blog and then I screw things up and I ended up being frustrated, the blog went from minor fixing to now needing major fixing. And then I thought ok, maybe it needs a breath of fresh air and I’ll give it just that. Just like I need to stay cool and not be too hard on myself.

It got so bad, I didn’t know what was wrong, I started talking to myself aloud, hoping God would hear me as I talk to myself about the things I’m grateful for and being really honest on why I’m feeling this way. And then I was lost for words because I still didn’t know what’s still missing and I ended up crying, because that seemed like the next easiest thing to do to release myself from the discomfort and uneasiness I was engulfed in.

I feel better now but I know I’m driving the people who are going to read this nuts.

I’m expecting panda eyes tomorrow but I know I should be able to march on and continue my journey.

Gracie, just remember that you’re blessed and you’ll find the way. It’s ok to breakdown tonight. Now go to bed.