Toxic Tears

Happy Birthday to Ching! :d

Finished the book last night and woke up reading a new book, “You’re What You Eat” by local author, Chia Joo Suan. This is bought by Pappy as well for everyone to read. Whenever I don’t eat right, Mummy would always always say to me, “You’re what you eat!” without fail!

There was this line which I really like from the book which I’ve just finished reading. “A problem shared is a problem halved”.

Don’t we all have problems? Some have it written on their faces whenever they go. Some just appear not to have any problems at all. Some are trying so hard not to have it shown while they try to battle and solve their problems in silence.

This is weird but I am actually thinking that the boyfriend would definitely forget about my birthday. The weirder part is I have already figured what I would say to him if that happened. The next thing that would happen is to know how much I really matter to him, which I believe is less than zero. Knowing and understanding the one million reasons why I should leave this relationship has not made me make any decision on what I’m going to do. Well, I know what I want to do, like I hope to be single before the year ends. I wouldn’t mind to admit that my relationship has been a disaster and I’m not very sure how many failed relaitonships God wants me to have before I can see the light to a happy and longlasting relationship. I can’t end it just yet because there are things between us that I need to sort out before I can say goodbye forever to him.

I do not blame anyone, not even the boyfriend, but myself that I’m allowing this to happen to me yet again. It’s not like there hasn’t been signs that are giving hints to me that this may not worked out after all but I chose to go ahead, thinking maybe I could change it.  I always have this ideal that when you really love someone wholeheartedly, everything would prevail. But I’ve come to learn that maybe that’s not the case. I may or may not still feel for him even if the whole thing ends but I’d like to give myself a chance to have something which I think I deserve to have. Love.

It sucks the most when someone asks me if I have a boyfriend and that’s like the question I really pray I don’t get. Just like the other day, the shampoo girl asked me in a very concerning manner if I have a boyfriend. I paused for a while. Saying yes doesn’t justify the condition I’m in now since I don’t see any difference with me being single and me having boyfriend who doesn’t even care if I should die the next minute. I’m not even kidding because when he doesn’t even bother to call, I might be lying dead in the toilet and nobody would ever discover me. Not trying to be pessimistic even though I think I can be spared to feel pessimistic a little now that I have this relationship issue going on. I just told the shampoo girl, “It’s a bit complicated.” The topic on relationship stopped there and then.

I might give different people different answers, depending on when you’re asking me, depending on who you are, depending if I was in the mood to tell you why it can be a yes and no answer. It’s just not easy because it would always remind me things I do not want to be reminded about…but something I know I cannot choose to hide and avoid from. Just like what the boyfriend is doing. Avoiding and running as far as he can.

One problem with him is he has too many problems. He holds on to his pride very dearly and thus he doesn’t let you in a bit in problems that has the ability to explode his head. I can only get hold of bits and pieces of information from the very short phone conversation which he always seems so in a hurry to end it. When probed further, he sounds annoyed and what else can I do? It’s best to leave him alone.

I think I’m also beginning to understand how he works. His main priority is his job and career. Next, it would be his family. Then, it would be everything else. The last would be me. I don’t expect myself to be listed first in his priorities but I think you should set some time for each of your priorities. And if setting me aside as also one of his priorities is such a burden, shouldn’t he just tell me about it? Grace, I don’t think I can afford to love you anymore.

I know the fact that he’s not going to say it, maybe again due to pride. So he’d choose to give me all this cold treatment, thinking I’d understand and stop being a pest. Then when I leave, it would have been very easy for him. He doesn’t have to deal with it. He would allow it to burn and rot until there’s no more hope for revival.

What I’ve said may not be true but this is what I have been able to collect and digest with what’s going on. I don’t think my problem is halved now but I do feel better. Have been wanting to write this for so long but the words just don’t seem to flow. Now even the tears have flowed. And there’s one other thing..I’ve learnt that you shouldn’t be ashamed with whatever problems you have. All of us have problems whether we like it or not. I may have this problem and you don’t. You may have that problem but I don’t…so it’s all the same.

Do you know that when you cry, you release toxins from your body through your tears? 

2 thoughts on “Toxic Tears

  • June 30, 2008 at 9:47 am
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    i want to tell u to be stronger. but i think u r rite. u deserve better, much better!

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